Royals All-Star Line-up

[Editors Note: This is a work in progress. We'll be updating and adding more bios soon. —The Race to 100 staff]

Position Players:

Billy “The Kid” Butler, First Base

Billy should actually contribute. He hit fifty doubles last year to go with his 20 home runs. For comparison purposes, that’s four entire careers worth of extra base hits for Jason Kendall. [Note: This is last year's analysis, but it works this year, too.]

Jeff “Frank” Francoeur, Right Field

Frankie, or as some call him, Frenchy, is destined for greatness. And by greatness, we mean the distinction of being the worst statistical player on the Royals. Coaches will tell you that he makes up for any offensive deficiencies with heart and arm strength or some other intangibles. We say whatever. We just want him to bat over .200.

Alcides “Not Zack Greinke” Escobar, Shortstop

Escobar, still somewhat unproven at the Major League level, has a tall task in trying to replace Zack Greinke in the hearts of Royals fans. Esbobar, who came to KC in the Greinke trade, isn’t likely to do that, considering his fastball isn’t as fast and he doesn’t have the really cool slow curve ball. What, you say? He’s not a pitcher? Then nevermind. At least he’ll be better than Betancourt.

Chris “Not Alberto Callaspo” Getz, Second Base

Getz will have about 100 hits this year before being replace late in the season by a call up. We further expect each and every one of these hits will come via the bunt.

Mike “Oh Yeah, Him” Aviles, Third Base

Mike Aviles was good. Then he wasn’t, and blamed injuries on it. Of course he did. Only, that may have actually been the case. Because he came back and started hitting again. Cool. [Again, a repeat from last year. But, he might really be healthy now. Maybe.]

Wilson “That Guy” Betemit, Third Base/Bench

Alberto Callaspo Wilson Betemit can hit. Alberto Callaspo Wilson Betemit cannot field. We’ll spend equal amount of time praising him and cursing him this year. [Another repeat, only with a name change. This game is fun!]

Jason “Big Bat” Kendall, Catcher

Jason Kendall had 18 extra base hits last year. All of them we’re doubles, and we suspect even some of those were questionable (i.e. an opposing player feeling sorry for him and awarding him an extra base). I have doubts Kendall could go yard on a T-Ball field. This is, of course, to say nothing of his surgically repaired arm. *sigh* I can promise you this: When Kendall returns from the disabled list, I suspect he will lead the Royals in punchlines on this website.

Brayan “Chubs” Pena

He’s just so cute and fat, you wanna pinch him. I’d still trust him to outrun, outhit and outfield Jason Kendall, though. Anyone want to take an over/under on who plays more, though?

Matt “Hey, Check Out My Wife” Treanor

Matt Treanor, a catcher who everyone knows only because he has a smokin’ hot wife, has got off to a great start. But the law of averages suggest he can’t hit a game-winning, three-run home run *every* time he comes up in the 13th inning.

Alex “Still?”  Gordon, Left Field

For what seems to be the 70th straight season, we’ve been promised that Alex Gordon has got it all figured out and is poised to have a breakout year. I’ll believe it when I see it.

Melky “Played for the Yankees so I automatically hate him” Cabrera, Center Field

This guy isn’t Miguel Cabrera, is he? The heavily drinking dude who can hit the ball really far so we forgive him for it? He’s not? Okay. Moving along…

Mitch “M&M” Maier, Outfield

Yeah, that’s a terrible nickname. I don’t have much to say about him. He hits okay. He runs okay. He plays a pretty decent center field. I like M&Ms.

Kila “Can’t Spell His Last Name and am Frankly Too Lazy to Look it Up” Ka’aihue, First Base/Designated Hitter

He’s like a fan’s dream, expect for the part where he actually produces for an extended period of time in the majors. Isn’t he from Hawaii? I’d ask for his birth certificate before I allowed him to play.

Pitchers:

Luke “Earned Run” Hochevar, Starting Pitcher

Luke Hochevar had moments of brilliance in the 2009 2010 campaign. But he spent most of the year trying to prove himself as an utter waste of a top draft pick. (Hello, Evan Longoria, Tim Lincecum, et al., who were all drafted BEHIND Hochevar). It is because Hochevar was named Opening Day starter despite his cellar-dwelling ERA that we’ve decided to renew this blog for another season. And oh what a season it will be.

Jeff “World Series” Francis

Actually, I can’t find any reason to cuss at this signing. I mean, the guy had good stuff once. He might not be able to recreate the magic after significant surgery, but, well, he’s no more of a risk than many of our other pitchers.

Kyle “The Carpenter” Davies, Starting Pitcher

Much has been made of the fact that Kyle Davies works construction jobs during the summers. He’s a great spring and fall pitcher, before and after the season has been decided. As for the rest of the season? Probably a good idea he has the other job. [Ditto from 2010]

Bruce “A Chenny Chen” Chen, Starting Pitcher

Bruce Chen has been on half of the teams in the major leagues. Maybe more than half.  And, amazingly, he’s pitching pretty well. How long that will last is up for debate. [Again, ditto.]

Vin “Mafia?” Mizzaro, Starting Pitcher

That name kinda sounds like the mafia. That could just be my reading into it, I dunno. Otherwise, I know little about him.

Kanekoa “The Other Hawaiian Dude” Texeria, Relief pitcher

Much to their dismay, the Royals only learned that Texeria was not related to Mark Texeria and was not a slugging first baseman after they signed him.

Joakim “The Artist Formerly Known as ‘The Mexicutioner” Soria, Closer

Amazingly, he’s the longest-tenured Royal. You know what else is amazing? How bad ass this dude is. Seriously. I couldn’t hit his curve ball with a seven-foot-wide bat.